Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
