I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My hand turned me down
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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