Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize