Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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