she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
