I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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