Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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