How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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