Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
