Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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