I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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