textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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