We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
