i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
