Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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