Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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