did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
