wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
