Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
