i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
