It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
