Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize