Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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