so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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