Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
