Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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