I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
