haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
