How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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