i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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