Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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