Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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