i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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