On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
