no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
