Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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