i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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