Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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