Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
