yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
