listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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