you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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