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Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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