obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
