And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
