I CAN MOONWALK!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
