She is in my trunk
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
