New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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