There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
