You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
