Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
