Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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