You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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