textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
