i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You left your phone here
Wait...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
