I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
