She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
