my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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