The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize