Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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