this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
