saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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