I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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