yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
