Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
