hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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