By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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